Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in quiescence13's LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 19th, 2007
10:04 pm	They should make a fucking movie about me. Because we seriously haven't seen enough of those "coming-of-age" movies with teenager x feeling like the most isolated person in the world. I mean, fuck, I know that I'm not, but taking it all into consideration... Gay deathrocker Asian kid in a North Florida high school. I face an irritating number of stereotypes. I do not have a small penis. I do not cut myself. I do not worship Satan. I'm not a fucking atheist. I'm not a fucking wiccan. I do not listen to or even generally like heavy metal music. I don't paint. I have a shitty sense of fashion. I can't cook a bowl of spaghetti, let alone pais de whatever the fuck you want me to make. I have no idea what color your hair should be. I don't know why people think that I WANT to fill the "gay best friend" niche, because it's just more that's expected of me when all I want to do is enjoy myself, which 99% of the time does not involve girls hanging off of me. It doesn't bother me if it happens a few times, and the affection is nice if I'm close enough with the girl, but it grates on the nerves. I was thinking about that line from Moulin Rouge! today. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." It's probably from somewhere else, but I don't really care. Where it came from is irrelevant. I know that before I thought that it was difficult for me to be loved. I thought of myself some as unlovable, and still do to a certain extent. At this point, though, the reverse holds true far more. I've found myself becoming more cynical and shallow. Another good teen movie? Jaded pretty boy meets some kid who's crazy about him? Zany antics insue? Honestly, I think that my life should never be made into a book or a movie or anything like that. It'd be horribly boring and mostly consist of nothing but the incessant brooding and angsting that I do. If I ever get famous, I will definitely see to it that I never write an autobiography. I'd probably crap out on it halfway anyways. I wonder if I'll die halfway through my life. What a fitting time to end that would be... Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, January 5th, 2007
11:52 pm	Wonderments? I've been thinking... what if I was a character in a story told in the first person or third person limited? How developed would I be? Would I play a huge part, or would I be just a passing person? It would all depend on who the main character was... If I were the main character, I would obviously be a very developed character, being able to bare my emotions to an invisible reader without even being aware of doing so. But what if Lexi were the main character? Suddenly, I've become the character to fill the niche of the gay best friend. I would be an important character, and the reader would know me quite well, but not as well as Lexi herself or Mike. And if Mike were the main character? I become a smaller character. I'm his girlfriend's best friend. My thoughts are made known. Some of my emotions and small parts of personal life are made clear, but little is truly known about me. Matt? By then, I become, to the reader, an ex-boyfriend who couldn't let go. A stalker. Someone who nearly killed the story's hero. Someone who may very well nearlly kill him again. It becomes easy to either dislike or pity me, depending on the reader. Much is known about the sort of person I am, and certain aspects of my personal life are known by the reader, but I am portrayed as someone who is mentally and emotionally unwell. Russell? I am a major character again, being shown in a far more positive light; as the boyfriend. I am, in the narrator's/main character's eyes, at least, a very lovable person and am seen as a good person. I am extremely developed, if solely from our conversations. My innermost thoughts and the state of my life is well-known. Perspective is such an interesting thing... Current Mood: sleepy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
8:45 pm	Today I asked Jesse how he'd react if I told him that I had fallen in love with him. I've been wondering that for a while. He's talked about how he's been in love with Alex ever since I've met him, and it's caused him a lot of distress. He sort of avoided the question when I asked him. Ouch. Haha. I'll probably end up asking other people the same question. Like Mike. I kind of wonder... what do I love? Is it a person? Is it a thing? Do I love the piano? Do I love music in general? Do I love myself? Do I love Chris? Do I love art? I just don't know. What if I don't love anything? Is that a bad thing? Today is special, as it marks the first day I have been horny and introspective at the same time. Chris and I are going to get tested for HIV together. Ah, that does a wonderful job of killing my sex drive. It makes me pretty nervous. I'm not really too much more sexually active than most teenagers, even though I guess I sort of give off a manwhorish vibe. I'm still pretty nervous about it all, though. I think it's sort of funny how a few years ago, at that lock-in at Adventure Landing with my school, my friend Alyssa had brought her sister and her friend Lloyd with her. I remember thinking Lloyd was hot but that was about it, and I didn't really expect to see him again. I spent the whole time with Alyssa when Lloyd walked off with her sister. Now it's... I think three years later? I found out that Lloyd is (was?) Chris' best friend. They have (had?) one of those weird best friendships that has a romantic element to it, and they were "sorta dating" until Lloyd went off and had a threesome. Now apparently Lloyd's none too happy about my presence in Chris' life. He won't even call me by name; he'll just call me "him." They had a big fight. That bothers me, because I know it was partly to do with me, no matter what Chris says. I feel like situations like this shouldn't happen in a city that's supposedly "the largest city land-wise. I hope they work out this whole situation. I'd hate to see Chris lose his best friend... RACHEL HAS A NEW PHONE NUMBER. I must keep this in mind. And Kett Turton makes probably the most adorable goth boy I have ever seen in any form of media. Except maybe magazines. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
6:34 pm	WRIT. I was supposed to go have fun with my friends today, but that didn't work out. But that's okay because I wrote one two three songs today, giving me a total of five to record. That's demo-tape worthy, right there. Or at least worthy of burning onto a CD so when people meet me and go "oh, you're a singer? SING FOR ME." I can just give them that without having to perform for them privately. That's always so awkward, especially considering that it's one of the first things people learn about me and suddenly expect me to burst into song for them. I generally don't burst into song around a person unless I've known them for at least two weeks. Looking at my lyrics, I notice that I need to use less novelty tricks in my writing (i.e. making the last word of a sentence the first word of a new one, or double-entendres) as well as trying not to use "fuck" nearly as often. Overall sound-wise, there are enough stylistic differences between each song to keep them all from sounding the same, but enough similiarity to give me as an artist an overall "sound," which is good. On the other hand, my voice does not have a particularly unique sound when compared to the major vocal influences of this project (Regina Spektor, Rozz Williams, Tori Amos, Amanda Palmer, Judith Shimer...), and while the concept of a male singer-songwriter writing with a tone and on subject matter that would traditionally be considered "female" may sound novel or even "good," it will require meticule and prudence to actually make it work. Most likely I will have to compensate lyrically and work with multitrack studio recordings, rather than a simple single-track live one. I must also be careful not to let my musical influences come through too strongly. The style I'm working with right now depends on the absolute sincerity and intimacy of the artist, and I will need to keep that in mind. It's been a pretty good day. Even if only because I actually wrote some songs. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Monday, January 1st, 2007
10:57 pm	(no subject) OH MY GOD I AM BACK IN FLORIDA. The whole trip was pretty inconvenient... I spent New Year's Day in a car for twelve hours with the parents and brother, and Saturday (at which point I was still in Louisiana) Lexi had planned on bringing me to Eclipse with her. My evening was spent playing Final Fantasy XII. I think I might actually beat this one. The only Final Fantasy I've ever finished was the re-release of the first one, and I've played about five. It's shameful. I felt jealousy for the first time today. It was a weird feeling. It was like greed and pride, only less malicious and more insecure. I will need to make a mental note to try and avoid situations that would make me feel jealous, because that is probably the most unpleasant emotion I've felt in a long while, excluding my "lows" that seem to be coming and going lately. I will also need to make a mental note to obtain a top hat and a generous amount of vinyl. I have decided that being mistaken for a girl is one of the top ten most amusing things that stem from my appearance. Number two is probably scaring small children. I got this obnoxious karaoke machine/CD player for Christmas. I don't know why my parents decided to get it for me, but I do greatly appreciate it. There is a microphone included, and I have reason to believe that it will do a good job of making my voice sound like shit, but it's still a microphone and I have been in need of one lately. If I could find my old audio recorder I'd have it fucking made. It would certainly make the writing process much easier... I sure hope that I passed French this semester... EDIT: I went to Hot Topic at the mall in Lake Charles last week. No Doubt was playing ("Different People"). That brightened my day. Current Mood: indescribable (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
10:31 pm	Still in Louisiana. Family is still a bunch of shitfucks. I had a long talk with Mike last night/this morning at 1:00 AM. We mostly talked about spirituality, and he divulged what he remembered from his past life to me. Regardless of whether or not any of it is to be believed, he was suprisingly detailed, using names of people and places, describing his sword, chronicling his life and going into great details about significant events. Supposedly, America is to fall in three years. Mike may be planning to explore the Atlantic at that point. I want to go with him. I have very little to leave behind here, save for a few special people who I will probably have lost touch with by that point. Either way, I will probably die before I'm thirty. I don't really care that much. I fucking hate this state. I want to get back to Florida already. I want to see all of my friends again. EDIT: On Hussein's execution: It means very little to me. Prophecy or no, humanity is on an irreversible path to it's self-destruction. The insurgents will continue to attack. America is still in danger. Someone will yet again appear in a short time. Everyone talks about how we've learned something from Hitler. We really haven't. Current Mood: irate (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
9:19 pm	No subject I'm in Sulphur, Louisiana until next year. I'm visiting my grandparents. None of that really matters. Russell's a good kid. A really good kid. I worry about him. I'm probably going to fuck it all up somehow. I have Final Fantasy XII. That's all that needs to be said about that. And the world is dumb. blah-de-blah (insert angst here.) Actually, I'm in a pretty good mood right now. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 21st, 2006
11:11 pm	Song & Dance/Acquisition There's this kid. Andrew. We're sort of friends, but he's really pissing me the fuck off right now. Now, he tells me that he's really horny before our overnight field trip starts. I can sympathize. At Epcot, he's acting like a pretty good guy, but I'm starting to understand that he's also a fuck-and-run kind of guy. My little "group" has been Chelsea, Rachel, Andrew and Kirsten, and that was how it generally remained for the entirity of the trip (save for when I went off to make Sarah feel better). Wednesday night at Epcot, he acts really close to Chelsea. It's beyond friend-hugging; it's holding her close, as if they were dating. Thursday, on the bus, he's doing the same thing to Kirsten. On the rides at Magic Kingdom, he has his arm wrapped around Rachel. It was upsetting to everyone. Kirsten, sitting behind him, only needed to write the letters "M-A-N-W" in the air before I knew what was bothering her. Chelsea was furious. Rachel was uncomfortable about the whole situation. I did notice that he seemed upset about something. He was crying at one point, and did a really shitty job at trying to hide it. When I asked, he just said that he was "tired," which was obviously bullshit. I really don't care anymore. As we were loading back onto the bus, Chelsea begins to bitch out Andrew for calling her a lesbian, prostitute, etcetera. Once Andrew got sick of it, he put on his headphones and blared something. As he did that, Chelsea told me the real reason that she was angry. I could have figured as much. They made an elaborate revenge scheme. Chelsea wanted to take time to really piss him off. Rachel would then comfort him for a while before leaving. From there, it was intended for Kirsten (who really likes Andrew) to do what she wanted; either date him like any relationship, or to seduce him and then leave him. The fact that this was all described to me with a British accent made it all feel very musical-like. At the time, it didn't seem right, but the entire trip home he was holding Kirsten as though they were dating and was talking shit about everyone else. I was "sleeping," so I heard everything he said. Once we got off the bus, he approached me as if he had said nothing that I could have (and did) take offense to and just said "This'll turn out interesting." I ignored him. He poked me and repeated himself. I acknowledged him after the second repetition. He told me that he really didn't want to date Kirsten. I couldn't do anything but shortly and angrily tell him "Then you shouldn't have done what you did" and walk off. Current Mood: hateful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
10:07 pm	Bah humbug. 1. My parents are fighting. Chris is grounded and he can't talk. I have work that's due tomorrow, but I'm feeling down and I can't quite motivate myself to do it and I just don't care about it at all anymore. I just want someone to talk to sometimes. and most likely it's not you. and I don't hold that against any of you. I just don't connect with anyone. The people I do connect with don't seem to like me much. Or they're grounded. Or they're working all the time. Or they just don't give a shit either way. Everyone else... they just hug me and say things that really don't make me feel that much better. 2. My aunt, uncle and cousin are coming over tomorrow and they're staying until the 25th. I never get to see them. I like my cousin. A lot. I just hope that my being "out" to my immeadiate family, my "new" appearance and my stopping the weekly trips to the church don't cause unneccesary drama. My aunt has always been a bible thumper. A sweet woman, but a bible thumper. 3. I'm feeling down. I'm entertaining the notion of trying to get a psychological evaluation. I've felt like I've been a little odd-minded all my life and I finally want to take control of that situation. 4. If I had a different body and met myself, I would probably think of me while masturbating. I don't exactly know why I felt the need to express that. I just feel a bit better now that I have. Current Mood: down (Comment on this)
Friday, December 15th, 2006
9:34 pm	What a wonderful exception. This morning was absolutely infuriating. Juniors acting like they're seniors. and shit-talking seniors. and breaking out into some bullshit "Class of '08 rap" when I told them to stop goofing off and to get to work. because we have to perform in two weeks. Second period was fun. In a Biology sort of way. In that it wasn't really eventful. Just generally "fun." Lunchtime came around, which I spent with the lovely Steven, although I am disappointed to say that his equally-lovely girlfriend did not have the same lunch period as we did. And then French. Which involved more insanity than usual. Mme. Cowart was throwing things at her teacher's aide... two seniors popped in randomly and joined our class... Rachel showed me the massive bruise that I had inflicted on her... I threw popcorn at her vegan ass... various people "broke into" Mme.s car parked just outside the classroom... and the alarm went off... Rachel, Amanda, Larisa and I went and visited Ms. Swartz and Mrs. Caesar... Mrs. Farren took the soccer ball which hit the room... It was wonderful. The day has been getting better as it went on. My parents are out "partying" at various business-related events, so it's just me and my brother, who is holed up in his room watching TV. I've really been treating myself to an evening of relaxation and general fun. I sang. Loudly. Without caring how I sounded. Or what my dipshit brother thought. I played around with makeup and my blue spray shit. I sprayed it on my posterboard on the wall. I went and showered off for almost an hour. And now I think I'm going to go eat some cookies before calling up Russell. He broke my old "longest time on the phone" record, haha. Current Mood: giddy (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 7th, 2006
10:28 pm	(No subject?) Today has been odd. I've had at least three distinct personalities today. I would give them names, but that's what my composition book is for. I've decided to, henceforth, stop mentioning my love life on LiveJournal. I have my composition book now to channel all of my angst into, and I feel like this should probably be a more honest look at me beyond some sort of self-inflicted emotional pain. Henceforth, of course. Which isn't to say that it's been a bad day. I've been shifting between personalities pretty constantly all day... it's been strange. It's definitely not MPD, because I have no memory loss. It's just weird. And Rachel thinks I'm some psychopath. Which I may be. But that's not too important right now. If I am... I wonder what my last words will be before I'm sent to the electric chair? I'd probably say something along the lines of a vow of revenge and then an evil laugh. I found out that x girls I've never met before have had some sort of endearment to me. Deidre told me that I was mentioned in blogs. It was a very... interesting thing to find out. People are actually sort of unattractive in design when you really think about it. They're all fleshy and hairy and they sweat and bleed and they have to take shits and stuff. Machines have a far more aesthetically pleasing design... shiny, cool and sleek... So I've always found it interesting that I'm much more likely to be a nympho than a technophiliac. Do those exist? I'll pretend like they do if they don't... My mind has been fluttering about all day. "Hey, hey.... See him? He wants to sleep with me. But you know what? He's not going to! HA HA HA HA HA HA!" I wish I were some all-seeing deity of some sort. I really don't want control all that badly. I just want to see life unfold as a book or a movie or anything along those lines. I want to be able to look inside people's heads and figure out what they're thinking. Just out of curiousity. Thank god that my curiousity is never sated. Life would be so horribly boring if it were. EDIT: marriedtothesea.com Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
9:28 pm	marks. They're really horribly evident once I've found myself in a terrible, wonderful place. I don't like the fact that some vicious circle is allowed to continue repeating itself. And then there are other circles. My life is like one big fucking circle. Is it wrong to want to break free from that? What lies outside of the circle? Some infinite space of nothingness? You can't really find out without seeing for yourself... can you? I so desperately want to escape from this... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
3:35 pm	It's disgusting. I'm starting to realize that that was all that I was ever worth to people. Something's definitely wrong when even your straight guy friends use you like that. I can't play my piano. My parents say that they're trying to sleep. I hear them talking in the next room and watching TV while I type this. I'm fucking tired of all of this. I hate the fact that I can't even notice how much I'm hurt until someone tells me how "perfect" I am. I get scared when people say that. I know that they'll change their minds. I hate it when people tell me how hot I am. It just rubs it all in my face. I hate myself for these constant LJ pity parties. I hate the fact that it has to be my only outlet anymore. I hate myself for for running to the phone every time it rings, hoping that someone wants to talk. It was a wrong number. Before that... it was "Did you call my phone? Yeah? Okay, talk to you later." I feel worthless. I want to be someone's everything. I'm drifting away from my best friends. They manage just fine, I've noticed. Actually... I just want to sleep right now. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
2:02 am	It's been a busy week. Things that have happened this week: -Took online PE final -Got appendicitus/vomited out bile/vomited out nothing -Went into surgery (Monday morning) for said appendicitus -Came out to my mother -Indirectly came out to my father -Went and saw Cabaret -Finished rough draft of the jukebox musical -Played Suikoden IV -Learned a new song on the piano -Got my N5EX synth -Bought clothes -Bought Emilie Autumn's "Opheliac" deluxe EP -Got told by a complete stranger that I had "such beautiful features" and that I should consider modelling But amidst ALL OF THAT, I still have two essays for English to write, a shitload of homework, and six books to read. Fun, fun, fun :P Oh well. It's been a good week. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
9:58 pm	Oh, christ. It's one of those nights again. Those nights when I turn into some generic angsty teenager. The world feels so happy right now. And everyone's getting their resolutions. They're making up with lovers. They're getting closure over a crisis. They've been together for years. They just don't care anymore and they're independent. They're going to see someone close to them in a matter of days. And me? I'm sitting here on LiveJournal whining because I don't get a happy ending. I meet a wonderful boy who has a severe, chronic case of clinical depression that medications can't subdue. I meet a wonderful boy who suddenly changes into an asshole, tells me that all of his assurances of "love" were just him playing around... when he promised me it was true... and now the bastard is ignoring me and insisting that he's straight in spite of being out for years. I meet a wonderful boy who's interested in my best friend. I meet a wonderful boy who says he loves me, fucks me, dumps me, and later tells me he only did it because he was drunk and from pity. And I know it's going to continue like this. And I don't want to give up on love.. And I can't. And I feel like I'm not complete anymore and like I'm on some eternal rebound. And I feel like I need someone to talk to about this, who can hold me and make me feel better, but there's nobody like that, and there sure as hell isn't anybody like that who isn't going to leave me for someone else. It's nights like these that I just want to go downstairs and play the piano all night, but I can't even do that, lest I incur the wrath of my bastard parents. Current Mood: upset (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
7:47 pm	Fuck me. Oh man. Ohhhhh man. It all came rushing in. It all fucking came back. The people telling me I was going to Hell... That sick feeling in my stomach that I was fucked... The scissors... Those three bastards... the one who cheated on his girlfriend to get some cock on the side, the one who fucked me and threw me away and the one who told me that he loved me for three months before revealing a month after the fact that he only said all those things for fun. For fun! For fucking fun! I'm just some motherfucking PLAY-THING. And you'd be suprised what silence can say. It can say a hell of a lot more than "I'm not interested" or "I just can't be friends with you." It can say "You're a fucking slut and I want you dead." It can say "Get out of my sight, you disgusting cumdumpster." And maybe that's not what they said, but that's what I heard because I'm such a fucking teenager. Because I can't bear to think of myself as, god forbid, only just below people's standards for "good enough." No, I have to be morbidly inadequate! I can't just be "down!" I have to be "oh my god, my upper-middle-class life is a black abyss please kill me now!" I'm not insecure! How can I be insecure? I feel like shit everytime some flaming stranger says that I'm ugly, yet I've been used for sex by someone who could probably get some whenever he wanted... someone who's probably getting some right fucking now... And sure, I may not be the greatest at the piano, but I have an amazing voice, don't I? No, I don't. I can't do anything that any of you couldn't do given a few years. But everyone still fawns over me every time I rape a piano and scream my ass off to music. I make myself sick, even as I type this. Don't get me wrong. I don't want any of you to pretend to like me, as I'm sure most of my "friends" do. I don't want you to pity me. God. I can't believe myself. I should've outgrown the whole "bitching about nothing" phase. At least I didn't get bombed, right? Christ. You all make me sick. Current Mood: really fucking pissed (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 28th, 2006
8:17 pm	...I am going to vomit. I liked RENT and everything... but that song... that ONE song... is fucking everywhere. They should use "Over the Moon" instead. I never get sick of that one. I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine last week. It was amazing. I'm looking forward to Running With Scissors. I just saw Gypsy 83 today, too. I liked it, but I think it could've felt a LOT more complete if they'd included the deleted scenes. Bambi's subplot was great... I don't know why they cut it out, nor the scene that explained the deaths of Clive's family. It would've been worth the scene just for the line "I called her a bitch. That was the last thing I said to her." Boas, I have decided, are infinitely cooler than scarves, but scarves are pretty fucking awesome, too. Also... Sara Rue has the biggest boobs I've ever seen. They're fucking enormous. Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
8:23 pm	Walking. I took a walk today. I went downtown. I almost got run over by a car from Pizza Hut. The guy didn't even look back to see if I was okay. It made me feel like I was grown-up, in a whimsical sort of way. I saw some trees for the first time. I love seeing new trees, especially the ones that hang down and sway in the wind and have the branches that you can reach up and just barelyyyyyy touch. I ran part of the way back. It was so liberating. I stopped and got ice cream. Strawberry birthday cake flavor. Then I went to Starbucks. I was going to go to Uncommon Grounds, but there were a bunch of kids giving me the "I'm better and more fashionable than you, you stupid fucking teenager" look and I decided to stay away. I'm bleeding in a few places. Matt scratched me yesterday when we were fighting. It was the kind of playful fighting that friends do, but it had that slight sexual tension between ex-boyfriends. It was the kind of fighting that I wished we did a few months ago. It's the kind of fighting I hope I get to do with someone special someday. I thought Alex was offline yesterday, so I sent him an aim message saying that he should be on aim more often so I can get to know him better because I totally want to date him. It turns out he was invisible at the moment. Ooooops. He didn't get freaked out about it, though, so it's just sort of something to laugh about. I'm asking people what they look for in a guy or a girl. I'm just... sort of curious, I guess. I'm in such a good mood right now. I should take these walks more often. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
7:04 pm	Bah. Two people in particular are aggravating me. One can't make up his fucking mind and the other is impossible to communicate with. I'm in a bad mood for no reason. One of my friends thinks I'm schizophrenic and another assures me that I'm not; I simply have a mild case of MPD. Lovely. I suppose that there's a lot of things that I need to talk to Matt about. A... lot of things. I need to sort out this spiritual business as soon as possible. He was over today. It was actually kind of fun. We watched a japanese horror movie. It was still a little awkward, though. And perhaps a bit depressing. Apparently he was supposed to do an exorcism today, but didn't because he had made plans with me. I told him I felt special. He told me "Yeah, you should. Somebody's going to die." He's nicer than ever. I don't know very many things. I should probably learn more things. They all come back to that bastard. He knows things that I need to learn. I'm in the process of finally learning to play "My Immortal." It's the song that I sing best to, but I can't play the piano part for shit. It's been a pretty good week, all things considered. But nobody really wants to read about all the good things happening to me, and I don't feel inclined to write about them because there's never any need to express my happiness about something. Happiness is one of those emotions I like to hold in. It's soothing. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 15th, 2006
1:47 am	doctorrrrr, silent and stilllll were you calling for me? Dear Lucas Lanthier, I wish I was as cool and talented as you were. Vocal concert was last night. I didn't really get to hear much of it. I'm starting to hate a lot of the freshmen in my department. All the other ones I don't have a problem with, but the vocal department has some really fucking arrogant freshmen this year. "Jaded" and "embittered" are such dramatic words. I don't want to call myself those by any means, but a lot of the events lately have left me very tired, and I'm noticing that I'm starting to become a lot more hateful, and my mood swings are getting worse. I suppose last year I never would have imagined hating a lot of the people I do now. But good god, we are such irritating creatures. Lexi and Michael broke up. She went and begged for him to take her back. He took her back... this time. I can't afford for them to seperate, but in case that does happen, I need to stay in contact with Michael. This is my chance to change the way my life has been going and a chance to give myself purpose beyond rotting away in front of a piano that will probably outlive me. I saw that weird scene again. It was sort of like a flashback. It wasn't as clear this time, but it was the same event. A woman begging me not to kill her baby. This time, she was powder-faced (as opposed to bloody from last time). I couldn't hear her. There was a man there, too, but I can't seem to remember what he was doing. Fuck memory. Fuck time. Fuck me. It would be nice if there really was nothing beyond this life. Although I'd probably find a way to depress myself over that, too. This afternoon I'm going to go see a movie at the theatre down the street from me. It's some independent horror film made with a <$1000 budget. Teenagers are such interesting creatures. We all seem to have our own unique brand of angst. I find it all to be intriguing and completely depressing at the same time. Caffeine doesn't have a psychological affect on me anymore. It just keeps me awake. I need to talk to Michael or Matt soon. Hopefully one of them will be able to help me. David may be able to, as well, but I doubt that I'll be seeing him any time soon. I've invited Rachel, David and Matt to all meet me at the theatre tomorrow, and I'm trying to contact Lexi. I'm betting myself that not a single one of them will show up. Rachel will forget, David will "forget," and Matt will make up an excuse because that's just the way he is. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)